His new nickname is "the buddha", but no one actually calls him that. The "he" I'm referring to is the guy I mentioned in my last post, the one who asked me out. Ugh. He later went to the psychiatrist who told him that religion might make him happier. Without hesitation he chose Zen buddhism.
Jesus Christ. And I thought Christianity was bad.
I was very upset with this because this is back when I respected him. His story changed (something I've been noticing a lot lately: he changes his stories A LOT. To embellish, sometimes or to cover up a lie) to Buddhism calling out to him when he defended his newfound faith to Miss Quick, our Latin teacher and AcaDec coach. But he still used his old phrases like how he needed "spiritual fulfillment" and she says that he has a very selfish view on religion.
Amen and Amen.
I always knew that all religions had the potential to be really annoying, but I guess I didn't fully realize it until he converted.
And he tried to convert me.
Which he of course, later denied.
It wasn't just the religion thing that made me lose respect for him. But I don't think I can get into all that just yet. It's a long story.

recap. stuff on dating, too.

I haven't seen J2 much this year. At least not long enough to tell her about my beliefs. Even now, I think that should wait until she is a part of my life again.
Anyhoo, I think I should brief you on what's going on in my world. Firstly: I've gotten asked out this school year. TWICE. The first time was by this girl in my history class. She wrote me a note in the middle of class. It took me a while to respond, and by the end of class, all I could think to write was "no, i'm not bothered. but I'd rather be friends". It got a little weird after that because the note didn't stop with that. She kept on giving more too me! But it's better now. She doesn't give me notes, or touch my arm everytime she walks past me, and I don't avoid and ignore her anymore.
Second person was... my friend from Latin class. And octathalon. He actually asked me to my face which is better than asking me in a note, but... I had to think on my feet of how to reject him kindly. I don't think I can tell him the whole truth...
I'm really confused about my orientation. Not that I lay awake at night thinking about it, because it doesn't matter much to me what I am. Just wish I had an answer when people asked it. And for some reason, saying questing makes it sound like I'm up for experimenting, which I'm not! In fact, I think I'm asexual. Or maybe a late bloomer or something. Either way, I have no interest in dating whatsoever.

What Happened?

I'm thinking back to January or December. It was around that time that I gave up on Christianity. I don't know when exactly because I didn't write on some day that I stopped believing, because maybe to acknowelge that would mean that I would be an outsider in my own world. And anyway, I've been there before when I was fourteen, asking questions, doubting, even getting to the point that if someone asked what my religion was I would say (ashamed, but I still would've said it) atheist and I went back to christianity, so maybe I figured that I was supposed to be done with all that. That's a different story, though.
I think declining from the religion was a gradual process, like first I realized that whatever the pastor said wasn't absolutely true, just his point of view. I remember that one because I was once argueing with my friend over homosexuality back in October. She said that you love who you love and I told her that it's lust and not love. She told me that I was brainwashed and the reason that she didn't go to church was because they're cultlike and twist what the Bible says to make everything look sinful. Then I told her that she should listen to their oppinion.
A while after that I went to church, and do you know what I saw? A cult. Someone making everything look sinful. I didn't write about this because I was still keeping up the facade. I think it was March or something when I changed the religion part in myspace to No Answer.
I'm typing this because school starts tomorrow, and I'm trying to get this right. What really happened, so I could tell j2 nice and easy. Only, there's so much to it.

Jane 2 was online tonight. Wrote a poem on the bulletin. I replied to it, but then myspace had to have that error that would be forwarded to the technicall group, so I couldn't get her reaction.
One shouldn't sink so low to attacking. Was that what I was doing? Would she assume that I attack her? Is that why she's ignoring me?
I know that these posts have been J2, religion, and gay obsessed, and I remembered before posting that there is something on my mind ALL the time. Food.
I think about it when I'm not hungry, I think about when I will be hungry, I think about what I should do between now and what to do till I can eat again. And how my weight could stay low at the same time (I'm shooting for 120! Wish me luck!). I just don't like talking about it because people would assume that I'm anorexic (like what my brother said about being gay. When you try not to think about sex, sex is all you think about. Same way with food) and it even annoys me when people talk about how fat they are when they aren't. Truthfully, I don't really care about being thin. I just want to weigh less.
My mom says I need to read a book about OCD, and I told her I did. Kissing Doorknobs, lent from my friend who has it. OCD, I mean. That's why it's her favorite book.
I don't think I have it. If I do, I would have a very minor case. Like that compulsive need to weigh myself, especially every morning. And I was thinking about how I even hoped that I had it just a little. Because most other people don't. I guess in a way, being sick is kinda glamourous because other people are healthy.

I'm reading Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden. For some reason it reminds me of Uncle Tom's Cabin. I think because it makes you feel what Liza and Annie is going through, like Uncle Tom's Cabin helped people finally see what slaves went through. It's a good book. Romantic. Star-crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet, expect they weren't like discussing marriage plans the first night they met. Oh, you know what I mean, right?
Uh-oh, Mom's home. It seems as if all I write about is gay or anti-christian posts. At least on here, anyway. But I must tell you this: Under religion for myspace, I put agnostic. Feels fantastic. Of course, I'll have to change it to no answer by tomorrow.

try to be productive

I watched too much Queer as Folk yesterday, and my brother says that I have an unhealthy addiction. Doesn't understand why I like it so much. Anyway, we are to be doing something productive today. Like reading or writing or something. Don't feel like it. But, I can't really watch it without his permission because I have no idea how to get the screen so the DVD would show.
So I guess I will read today. J2 is still on her vacation and if she ever wants to come to my myspace, she would see that Holy Scriptures blog title (meaning I can't blog in there for a while) and maybe it would "grease the wheels" (as my brother said--he plans to tell our uncle about his orientation, and he said that since I mentioned watching QAF it greases the wheels) for that fateful first day of school. I wonder if I'd have enough courage...
In other news, my Latin teacher added me on myspace. And my cousin Martin messaged me back. And, oh yeah, my cousin from Mom's side of the family had a kidney stone. Alrighty, buhbye.

The Nerve

So. Pastor Scott didn't message me back, which is fine I guess. Meaghan didn't message me or add me. That's sad. I didn't even attack her! I mean, I asked Scott about why God believes in cruel and unusual punishment -- and well who could really answer a question like that? -- and I asked Meg if I could be her friend.
There's some explanation, I'm sure. Like she didn't believe it was me? Or maybe she read my blog and saw that I had clearly slipped from the straight and narrow? I don't think so. It's probably the former.

Making Room for Thousands More

Religion seems like a big deal to me, but I think that's because I went to a Christian school in California, and now I live in like Jesustown. And I go to church every Sunday. Keep thinking of Margot (my fictional character) and how she'd be dealing with all this stuff. But I'm trying to forget about her a little, so when I go back and edit, I can you know, edit better.
Anyway, it's Thursday, meaning that the dreadful weekend will soon arrive. Meaning I will have to go to church. So many things are so ridiculous, it could almost be funny. If it weren't so sad. Why is it sad you ask? Money. Tithe is bad enough. Offering is bad enough. Guilting you into these things every morning. My college tuition is slowly wasting away to this huge commercialized church!
Making Room for Thousands more. There's something that they put in the bulletin every Sunday about it. They're trying to make people pay for the chairs in the worship center. Garrett talked about it before. He said that he was sooo messed up before he when to church and excepted Christ (whole different story, but when ever he tells the tale of how he came to know Christ he says I was the guy you'd want to take out your daughter. I don't get it. And he says it ALLL the time). When he went to church, someone had to pay for that very seat he was sitting on. So we should pay for the seats too.
Yes, they want us to pay for the seats by telling us of all the people it will save. In that case, Mom better start going to Sunday school because I don't want a poor and manipulated Christian to waste his or her money on me. It's one hundred and fifty dollars per seat. Still. What do those pastors do with the tithe money my mom wastes thirty dollars every other week on? Is that how those Pastors pay the bills?

I Feel Almost as if I've Already Come Out

The only thing I'm doing to hide my secret is not saying, "I'm agnostic" because I pretty much made it clear that I think religion is horseshit, or at least the Bible is. Did I mention that I'm going to tell Jane 2 on the first day of school? That's all I have to do. At least for now. I assume when I get older I'll tell my mom. It's just that I don't want to tell her while I still live with her. She'll try to change me and make my life miserable.
But anyway, I get back to my old question of how to tell. In Queer as Folk (my new favorite show. Even if I have seen only three episodes so far) Brian told Michael he should tell that girl that liked him "I take it up the ass. Deal with it sweetheart." Plain and simple. Hmmmn. Short and sweet.
I think how I tell her would depend on my mood. I mean, I put a song on my myspace just to piss her off (but it's changed now). I post blogs in my myspace about all those verses even the most reserved Christians do not follow (call them "what the hell?" verses because they make no sense). Just to give her something to think about.
Oh yeah, and I messaged Pastor Scott and asked him why he believes that we deserve death and hell. I'm sure Jane 2 would get freaked if someone asked her that. But he's a pastor. They are, like, bent on saving anyone they can. Surely he'd give me a damn novel explaining his beliefs and how I should totally believe the same thing and how it would make my life so so much more fullfilling.
Didn't happen. He didn't reply at all. WHY?!
I also went on my cousin's blog. REee-Lee-Jus! Her latest blog was about how she's going to the deep end (she's always been on the deep end, wtf?!). But, knowing Meg, if you ask her a question about her beliefs, she'll answer them. It's just too bad that I don't want her to squirm. I want all the pastors at Grace to squirm! I want Jane 2 to squirm (also if she would stop ignoring me, that'd be swell too)! I want my mother to squirm!